Saturday, November 16, 2013

The Waiting Game ...


One character trait I’ve never had is that of patience. My family would definitely agree. If I wanted something done, it had to be done right then and there- no time for waiting. My husband often asks why things have to be “on your timetable”.  Well, with cancer, I soon found out things were not going to be on my timetable at all.  After I met with the surgeon I found out I was going to have to wait two weeks until I could have my surgery.  I couldn’t believe that my surgeon was going to attend a medical conference when I needed to have this surgery done ASAP.  Are you kidding?  A little lesson I learned that day was the world did not revolve around me.

The waiting was hard at first, because mentally once you find out you have breast cancer, you want it out yesterday. I had to make a daily effort to really try to stay rational and calm during this waiting time, but often my mind would begin to wander.  I would starting thinking about my cancer spreading and imagine the worse possible scenario. I would think about all the patients I had cared for who were so young and had such aggressive cancers, some already having cancer that had spread when they were first diagnosed.  I found that if I thought about these things for too long, I could literally feel myself becoming overwhelmed with a sense of panic. The nurse side of me was rational and knew that two weeks would not make a difference at all, but the non-nurse side of me thought two weeks is two weeks too long.

 I figured God had some reason for this time of waiting. There was something I knew He must be trying to teach me.  I continued to work as an oncology NP and just tried to keep the normal everyday pattern of life going. Again, many people wondered how I was able to continue to work with cancer patients, but somehow I found a real sense of comfort from being with them.  Through my twenty or more years of working with cancer patients, I’ve always said that I get far more from them every day than I have ever given to them.  They don’t sweat the small stuff, so it really helps you keep things in perspective.

Through this waiting period, God began to reveal to me that He was in control and that His hand was firmly on me and this situation.  I might sense this through a song I might have heard on the radio, or a phone call, or a card from a friend.   One day, while I was alone at home, I came downstairs and found this partially torn card lying on the floor. I immediatly called for our large lab, Kobey, who to this day continues to make a daily activity of finding things he can destroy. They are usually my things, of course.  I figured he had found a stack of my cards and had decided to make a tasty snack of them. I picked up the card, and turned it over.  The following words were written on the card:

“Rest in His Faithfulness”

In the ever-changing circumstances of life, there is a faithful, never-changing God in control

Everyday begins and ends with His purpose- there isn’t a detail that escapes His eye, or a trial that doesn’t touch His Heart…

Or a single experience beyond His compassion.

Every moment of your life is in His care- and I pray that He gives you overwhelming peace and hope today.

The card included the verses Philippians 4: 6-7. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus”. 

I opened the card, because it didn’t seem familiar to me at all. The card was not signed. I had never seen it before. I knew God had purposely sent these words to me.  They were words I needed to hear that very day and at that very moment in my life.

 As I continued to experience these little reminders of God’s presence in my life, my sense of panic slowly began to be replaced with a sense of peace. I prayed specifically for peace and received affirmation of this prayer in church on many occasions, but one occasion in particular stood out during this time before surgery.  I was early, so I opened the bulletin to check things out, and I was immediacy drawn to the words under the Prelude, which read:

“Lord, we come into this day unsure of many things, but of one we are absolutely sure:  that your will and your purpose for us is far finer, more glorious than we have ever dared to hope. Grant unto us this day, through Your Spirit’s work, the desire and eagerness to know more completely You and Your will within us. We ask this in Your Son’s name. Amen”.

Wow… God was speaking directly to me. In all the uncertainty that comes with cancer, the certainty of His love and His purpose for me could never be questioned.

A few days later, I received an email from my mom that contained a letter I had sent her over ten years ago right before she was scheduled to have a breast biopsy. I remember she was very worried and anxious about the procedure and concerned about what the outcome would be.  I was living out of town at the time, so I wanted to write her a letter to try to encourage her and let her know I loved her.

This is what I had written in that letter to her years ago:

Mom,

Just pray these every day and I believe God will give you a “peace that is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand.”    I included the following verses:

“And the Holy Spirit helps us in our distress, for we don’t even know what we should pray for, nor how we should pray.  But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groaning that cannot be expressed in words.  And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.” Romans 8:26-28.

We can rejoice too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us- they help us endure. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love”. Romans 5: 3-5.

For with God nothing is impossible. Luke 1:37.

And again, Philippians 4:6-7, the verses that I would come back to so many times over the next year as my family would endure yet another diagnosis of cancer. These verses were reminders that although life is full of trials and uncertainties, there was an assurance that God would provide us with His peace. He would remain faithful.  Who would have thought years ago when I gave my Mother these scriptures that I would now be turning to them for my own comfort and peace in the same situation.  

If things had been on my timetable, I would have had the surgery right then and there and been done with it. In my state of impatience, I would not have taken the time to be still and to listen and most of all to experience an unexplainable peace that could only come from our Father.  I was truly amazed at God’s perfect timing and the intricate design He had for my life, even in the midst of cancer.