One character trait I’ve never had is that of patience. My
family would definitely agree. If I wanted something done, it had to be done
right then and there- no time for waiting. My husband often asks why things
have to be “on your timetable”. Well,
with cancer, I soon found out things were not going to be on my timetable at
all. After I met with the surgeon I
found out I was going to have to wait two weeks until I could have my surgery. I couldn’t believe that my surgeon was going
to attend a medical conference when I needed to have this surgery done
ASAP. Are you kidding? A little lesson I learned that day was the
world did not revolve around me.
The waiting was hard at first, because mentally once you
find out you have breast cancer, you want it out yesterday. I had to make a
daily effort to really try to stay rational and calm during this waiting time,
but often my mind would begin to wander.
I would starting thinking about my cancer spreading and imagine the
worse possible scenario. I would think about all the patients I had cared for
who were so young and had such aggressive cancers, some already having cancer
that had spread when they were first diagnosed.
I found that if I thought about these things for too long, I could literally
feel myself becoming overwhelmed with a sense of panic. The nurse side of me was rational and knew that two weeks would not make a difference at all, but the non-nurse side of me thought two weeks is two weeks too long.
I figured God had some
reason for this time of waiting. There was something I knew He must be trying
to teach me. I continued to work as an
oncology NP and just tried to keep the normal everyday pattern of life going.
Again, many people wondered how I was able to continue to work with cancer
patients, but somehow I found a real sense of comfort from being with
them. Through my twenty or more years of
working with cancer patients, I’ve always said that I get far more from them
every day than I have ever given to them.
They don’t sweat the small stuff, so it really helps you keep things in
perspective.
Through this waiting period, God began to reveal to me that
He was in control and that His hand was firmly on me and this situation. I might sense this through a song I might have
heard on the radio, or a phone call, or a card from a friend. One
day, while I was alone at home, I came downstairs and found this partially torn
card lying on the floor. I immediatly called for our large lab, Kobey, who to
this day continues to make a daily activity of finding things he can destroy.
They are usually my things, of course. I
figured he had found a stack of my cards and had decided to make a tasty snack
of them. I picked up the card, and turned it over. The following words were written on the card:
“Rest in His Faithfulness”
In the ever-changing circumstances of life, there is a faithful, never-changing
God in control
Everyday begins and ends with His purpose- there isn’t a detail that
escapes His eye, or a trial that doesn’t touch His Heart…
Or a single experience beyond His compassion.
Every moment of your life is in His care- and I pray that He gives you
overwhelming peace and hope today.
The card included the verses Philippians 4: 6-7. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer
and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends
all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus”.
I opened the card, because it didn’t seem
familiar to me at all. The card was not signed. I had never seen it before. I
knew God had purposely sent these words to me.
They were words I needed to hear that very day and at that very moment
in my life.
As I
continued to experience these little reminders of God’s presence in my life, my
sense of panic slowly began to be replaced with a sense of peace. I prayed
specifically for peace and received affirmation of this prayer in church on
many occasions, but one occasion in particular stood out during this time
before surgery. I was early, so I opened
the bulletin to check things out, and I was immediacy drawn to the words under
the Prelude, which read:
“Lord,
we come into this day unsure of many things, but of one we are absolutely
sure: that your will and your purpose
for us is far finer, more glorious than we have ever dared to hope. Grant unto
us this day, through Your Spirit’s work, the desire and eagerness to know more
completely You and Your will within us. We ask this in Your Son’s name. Amen”.
Wow… God was speaking directly to me. In
all the uncertainty that comes with cancer, the certainty of His love and His
purpose for me could never be questioned.
A few days later, I received an email from
my mom that contained a letter I had sent her over ten years ago right before
she was scheduled to have a breast biopsy. I remember she was very worried and anxious
about the procedure and concerned about what the outcome would be. I was living out of town at the time, so I
wanted to write her a letter to try to encourage her and let her know I loved
her.
This is what I had written in that letter
to her years ago:
Mom,
Just pray these
every day and I believe God will give you a “peace that is far more wonderful
than the human mind can understand.” I
included the following verses:
“And the Holy
Spirit helps us in our distress, for we don’t even know what we should pray
for, nor how we should pray. But the
Holy Spirit prays for us with groaning that cannot be expressed in words. And we know that God causes everything to
work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to
His purpose for them.” Romans 8:26-28.
We can rejoice
too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for
us- they help us endure. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has
given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love”. Romans 5: 3-5.
For with God nothing
is impossible. Luke 1:37.
And again, Philippians 4:6-7, the verses that
I would come back to so many times over the next year as my family would endure
yet another diagnosis of cancer. These verses were reminders that although life
is full of trials and uncertainties, there was an assurance that God would
provide us with His peace. He would remain faithful. Who would have thought years ago when I gave
my Mother these scriptures that I would now be turning to them for my own
comfort and peace in the same situation.
If things had been on my timetable, I would
have had the surgery right then and there and been done with it. In my state of
impatience, I would not have taken the time to be still and to listen and most
of all to experience an unexplainable peace that could only come from our
Father. I was truly amazed at God’s
perfect timing and the intricate design He had for my life, even in the midst
of cancer.
