The Waiting Game ...

One character trait I’ve never had is that of patience. My family would definitely agree. If I wanted something done, it had to be done right then and there- no time for waiting. My husband often asks why things have to be “on your timetable”.  Well, with cancer, I soon found out things were not going to be on my timetable at all.  After I met with the surgeon I found out I was going to have to wait two weeks until I could have my surgery.  I couldn’t believe that my surgeon was going to attend a medical conference when I needed to have this surgery done ASAP.  Are you kidding?  A little lesson I learned that day was the world did not revolve around me.

The waiting was hard at first, because mentally once you find out you have breast cancer, you want it out yesterday. I had to make a daily effort to really try to stay rational and calm during this waiting time, but often my mind would begin to wander.  I would starting thinking about my cancer spreading and imagine the worse possible scenario. I would think about all the patients I had cared for who were so young and had such aggressive cancers, some already having cancer that had spread when they were first diagnosed.  I found that if I thought about these things for too long, I could literally feel myself becoming overwhelmed with a sense of panic. The nurse side of me was rational and knew that two weeks would not make a difference at all, but the non-nurse side of me thought two weeks is two weeks too long.

 I figured God had some reason for this time of waiting. There was something I knew He must be trying to teach me.  I continued to work as an oncology NP and just tried to keep the normal everyday pattern of life going. Again, many people wondered how I was able to continue to work with cancer patients, but somehow I found a real sense of comfort from being with them.  Through my twenty or more years of working with cancer patients, I’ve always said that I get far more from them every day than I have ever given to them.  They don’t sweat the small stuff, so it really helps you keep things in perspective.

Through this waiting period, God began to reveal to me that He was in control and that His hand was firmly on me and this situation.  I might sense this through a song I might have heard on the radio, or a phone call, or a card from a friend.   One day, while I was alone at home, I came downstairs and found this partially torn card lying on the floor. I immediatly called for our large lab, Kobey, who to this day continues to make a daily activity of finding things he can destroy. They are usually my things, of course.  I figured he had found a stack of my cards and had decided to make a tasty snack of them. I picked up the card, and turned it over.  The following words were written on the card:

“Rest in His Faithfulness”

In the ever-changing circumstances of life, there is a faithful, never-changing God in control

Everyday begins and ends with His purpose- there isn’t a detail that escapes His eye, or a trial that doesn’t touch His Heart…

Or a single experience beyond His compassion.

Every moment of your life is in His care- and I pray that He gives you overwhelming peace and hope today.

The card included the verses Philippians 4: 6-7. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus”. 

I opened the card, because it didn’t seem familiar to me at all. The card was not signed. I had never seen it before. I knew God had purposely sent these words to me.  They were words I needed to hear that very day and at that very moment in my life.

 As I continued to experience these little reminders of God’s presence in my life, my sense of panic slowly began to be replaced with a sense of peace. I prayed specifically for peace and received affirmation of this prayer in church on many occasions, but one occasion in particular stood out during this time before surgery.  I was early, so I opened the bulletin to check things out, and I was immediacy drawn to the words under the Prelude, which read:

“Lord, we come into this day unsure of many things, but of one we are absolutely sure:  that your will and your purpose for us is far finer, more glorious than we have ever dared to hope. Grant unto us this day, through Your Spirit’s work, the desire and eagerness to know more completely You and Your will within us. We ask this in Your Son’s name. Amen”.

Wow… God was speaking directly to me. In all the uncertainty that comes with cancer, the certainty of His love and His purpose for me could never be questioned.

A few days later, I received an email from my mom that contained a letter I had sent her over ten years ago right before she was scheduled to have a breast biopsy. I remember she was very worried and anxious about the procedure and concerned about what the outcome would be.  I was living out of town at the time, so I wanted to write her a letter to try to encourage her and let her know I loved her.

This is what I had written in that letter to her years ago:

Mom,

Just pray these every day and I believe God will give you a “peace that is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand.”    I included the following verses:

“And the Holy Spirit helps us in our distress, for we don’t even know what we should pray for, nor how we should pray.  But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groaning that cannot be expressed in words.  And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.” Romans 8:26-28.

We can rejoice too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us- they help us endure. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love”. Romans 5: 3-5.

For with God nothing is impossible. Luke 1:37.

And again, Philippians 4:6-7, the verses that I would come back to so many times over the next year as my family would endure yet another diagnosis of cancer. These verses were reminders that although life is full of trials and uncertainties, there was an assurance that God would provide us with His peace. He would remain faithful.  Who would have thought years ago when I gave my Mother these scriptures that I would now be turning to them for my own comfort and peace in the same situation.  

If things had been on my timetable, I would have had the surgery right then and there and been done with it. In my state of impatience, I would not have taken the time to be still and to listen and most of all to experience an unexplainable peace that could only come from our Father.  I was truly amazed at God’s perfect timing and the intricate design He had for my life, even in the midst of cancer.

 

 

 

Through the Fire...

Following my initial biopsy results, things began to move rather quickly.  I had to schedule what seemed like numerous tests and doctor’s appointments. Since hearing my diagnosis, everything in life seemed so surreal. I would often wake up at night, with a sense of relief thinking, “Oh, it was just a dream”, and then realizing it was not. It was like being in a continual state of shock.  You continue to function in all your unusual activities of life, but it’s like you’re not really there. I look back at a picture with my son at one of his football games last year, and think, “that was two days after I found out I had breast cancer”, but I wouldn’t have missed it for anything. I went to a cross-country meet the day after my biopsy. Yes, it’s a bad time, but you continue on in life, even with all the uncertainty, and especially for my boys.

After the biopsy, then came the breast MRI. I’m not usually claustrophobic, but when they offered the Ativan, I thought, “what the heck, I could use a little relaxation at this point”.  Again, I was a nurse, but in this situation, only a patient. It was a unique experience to say the least, but I soon fell asleep in the giant tube accompanied by what sounded like the continual banging of a loud hammer.  It came to a stop, I woke up again, thinking this was all a bad dream, but soon realized I was lying on a table alone, scared, and overwhelmed with the fear of the unknown.

I began to pray for God to give me an understanding of what I was to learn from this situation. I asked for continual peace until I had all the results back and knew what I was facing. I would have to return to the surgeon’s office the following day for the MRI results… more of the unknown. On the way to her office, I told God, “Okay, I have cancer, but my prayer is that is it a favorable type of breast cancer”.  Being an oncology nurse, I knew there were various prognostic factors that all add together to really give the whole picture of exactly what type of breast cancer one could have. Based on all these different factors, there are favorable types and non-favorable types. I prayed specifically that it would not be an aggressive form of cancer, that it be contained to the breast only, and that there be no lymph node involvement.

My report was very good. It looked to be a very small area contained within the breast with no lymph node involvement.  The surgeon described my breasts on the MRI as very “busy”.  I actually found humor in that thinking that was fitting of my personality. Feeling very good about things overall, she then added, “Of course, we won’t know for sure the outcome until the surgery”.  She just had to add that in, didn’t she? 

I left her office that day feeling the presence of God so strongly, that I knew in my heart, everything was going to be okay. I asked God to keep me in His hands and comfort me. That day, I reflected on a Bible study by Beth Moore on the book of Daniel I had done a few months ago.  Like Daniel, in trials we encounter, we can be delivered from the fire; the result, our faith is built. We can also be delivered through the fire; the result, our faith is refined. It has to be proved genuine.  I prayed, “God, deliver me though this fire”.

Only God would have known a few months ago when I went to the church library on a day off to find a Bible study I could do at home, that these verses would come back to me at a time when I needed them most.  I know God designed this. These words would become the basis of my prayer. Over the next several weeks, I would ask for “deliverance through the fire”, and I would not be disappointed. He remained faithful to His word.

Not Your Ordinary Day

I think anyone who has been diagnosed with breast cancer can recall exactly how they felt the moment they heard the words “you have breast cancer.” I was actually at work and was told over the phone. I had to try to maintain composure until I could manage to leave the office. Once I got in my car, I still could not wrap my mind around what I had just heard. The anxiety and fear that comes with a diagnosis of any type of cancer can be devastating.

The first word that comes to mind when you think about cancer is scary, plain and simple. It is the unforeseeable, the unknown. Nothing can really prepare you emotionally for hearing those words. You literally feel as if time has stopped and your world has been turned upside down and nothing will ever be the same again.  

 I was diagnosed with breast cancer last fall. I had been an oncology nurse for over 20 years. It was my love, my calling, my ministry, to care for those struggling with cancer. Cancer was something I was all too familiar with. In a way, knowing too much was a source of my initial anxiety when I was diagnosed.   Although I was a seasoned nurse, when I was diagnosed, I was just a frightened, overwhelmed patient, not a nurse.

 The day I found out I had cancer, I asked God “why me God, I’ve spent so much of my life caring for cancer patients, why me?”  I had no idea at that time that I was about to embark upon a journey that revealed God’s answer to “why me?”  I can honestly say now, “Why not me?”   I would spend the next few months experiencing like I never had before the love of God through His Word, through circumstances, through family and friends, and through my church family. My journey has not ended, but I can look back now and say that I have never received more blessings in my lifetime than I did during my experience with breast cancer. As I will share later, I would encounter cancer again with my husband, learning about his diagnosis one week before my last reconstructive surgery. Through it all though, I would not change a circumstance, a moment, or give back any tears that fell. It was truly a divine plan designed by the One who loves me most.  Pastor James McDonald says in his Bible study Lord, Change by Attitude, “You forfeit the grace that could help you through a trial by complaining about it instead of embracing it as a tool used by God to keep you humble and keep you close to Him and to see us through.”  

 I wanted to start this blog to offer support to women facing the hurdle of breast cancer. I could not have made it through this experience without the support of my family, friends, church family and most importantly God. God has revealed so much to me during this last year that I cannot sum it all up in a few short words. I continue to be amazed at what I am learning from Him daily. I look forward to sharing that with you. My main goal for this blog is to give God the glory for all His goodness shown to me and my family in the last year.  Another goal is to share how He supplied me with a peace that was truly beyond any understanding. He revealed to me daily how He would never forsake me and would strengthen me in all circumstances.

 The verses, among many, I clung too throughout my experiences over the last year were Philippians 4:6-7,  "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

 I had never thought about presenting my requests with "thanksgiving" especially in the situation of cancer, but I thanked Him for all He had done and for all He was about to do on my behalf. I asked daily that He fill me with His peace. I prayed that my "mind" be guarded as well from all the anxiety and fear that comes with cancer. I became filled with a peace that I could not explain. I finally had to submit it all to God, and through it all, I learned I could trust Him. He remained ever faithful to me.  He will see you through this as well. He will surround you with so much love that you will not believe the amount of blessings you will receive during this journey.